Last meal before “Execution Day”

I’ve got a confession to make: there has been something that have been weighing heavy in my heart. A sense of imminent doom, a throbbing pulse of dread and fear. The source of this unpleasant emotions? I’m going to make a 6-day trip to Penang (a small province in Malaysia) tomorrow. It’s to renew my staying permit in Singapore, as I have a tourist visa and can only stay here legally for 90 days.

This is when it all gets rather sad and pathetic. The old, pre-ED me would have been ecstatic. I would have been fidgeting all throughout the upcoming week, not of apprehension, but of excitement of the new adventure ahead of me. New places, new people, new environment, new food…What fun, right? ……………..Not if you’ve got ED hovering all over you, taunting and jeering at you. No more comfort zone! No more control! No more rigid eating schedules! No more choices! No more safe options!

There are so many reasons why I dread this trip.

1. I won’t be able to cook for myself, but eat out or other people’s cooking all the time, which is a huge deal for me.
2. My normal eating schedule, rigid and punctual to the dot, will be torn apart and scattered into the air. I’ll have to eat socially for all three meals, so have to adjust my eating timetable to other people’s.
3. Not to be racist or prejudiced, but I find that Malaysians….well, they like to stare. I spent a few days in Kuala Lumpur (capital of Malaysia) before coming to Singapore, so I’ve noticed how much I am blatantly, unshamefully gaped at wherever I go. See, in America, people don't stare so openly because it's rude. Or maybe they're just used to seeing very skinny girls as eating disorders are getting so prevalent there. But here in Malaysia...it's a different story. Now I wouldn’t have such a problem with it if they were staring because they were mesmerized by my beauty, but I can read their minds in their aghast expression as they stare at my skeletal frame: Sweet Allah, is that Gollum from LOTR walking in the public streets?
4. I don’t wanna cause an accident like I nearly caused the last time I was in Malaysia because of the above reason. Seriously. This woman were riding the motorcycle with two little kids behind her. As they passed by me, all three of them, mother and children, whipped their head around in a double take and continued staring back at me, all while zooming full-speed ahead! They very nearly crashed into an oncoming car and there was this loud honk and screech. How freaking dangerous is that? I was so stunned myself that I stood still for a long while, wondering, Holy cow, did I just almost cause a freaking accident? I honestly didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry.
5. Whenever I am faced with an unfamiliar environment and situation, my ED totally freaks out and suddenly I get deathly afraid of eating. I am so, so, so afraid I will come back losing back the few pounds I have painstakingly gained.

I’m sorry. I realize how stupid and unreasonable and pathetic this sounds, but I honestly cannot help these feelings and anxieties. They bubble up frequently and choke me up. The only tiny source of comfort I can find is the (struggling) faith in God that He has a purpose for making this trip happen and this trip can be another huge challenge for me to break through and overcome.

I don’t know how often I’ll be able to blog the coming 6 days, but I will try to update as often as I can. Apparently Penang is known as food heaven. It is famous for their street food. Perhaps I can actually share stories of how much I enjoyed them. Please, wish me luck~

Okay, on to today’s yummy eats.

I met Jingwen out for lunch again, and we ended back up in Shokudo Street Food Market! I think we’ve adopted this place as our favorite restaurant.

Of course, I ordered the omelet again, but this time with crab meat filling:

This was actually stuffed with real crabmeat!! I was really impressed, because I had been expecting the usual imitation kind.

Creamy, light, fluffy Japanese rolled-up omelet, stuffed with sweet chunks of real crabmeat, topped with dried bonito flakes, Japanese mayo, and okonomiyaki sauce. This is so freaking delicious, I don’t mind ordering this every time I come here.Will be trying another variation next time. Yes, indeedy, there will be a next time.

Jingwen ordered the oyako-donburi:

Basically chicken and egg and onions cooked in some kind of soy sauce and sake and dashi broth, served on top of rice. Jingwen didn’t finish this, so cleared the remainder for her. ^_____^ The egg is barely cooked before plopping onto the hot rice to finalize its cooking, so it stayed as a nice soft, moist, creamy consistency.

This was quite good, but sorry, my omelet wins taste-wise and appearance-wise, face-down.

When I got back I had a quick afternoon snack:

Ham/cheese/blackcurrant jam sandwiches, broiled in the oven for a few minutes until hot and melty. Yum.

Since today is the last day I’ll be able to cook for myself for a while, I decided to make dinner extra-special and tasty…I came up with another way to use up my leftover black beans! Kiki suggested spreading it as a black bean dip for sandwiches, and I thought that was a good idea. Also a couple of you mentioned black bean brownies, which I thought was muy interesante as well. So I decided to incorporate all of that into a single delicious stuffed french toast. Are you excited to see what I came up with?

I pureed about 1/2 cup of black beans with cocoa powder, cinnamon, coffee granules, black pepper, salt, and vanilla. The result was a bit dry without the moisture of pumpkin, so I dribbled in a few spoonfuls of almond milk until it reached the desired creamy, spreadable consistency. I then added a couple spoonfuls more whole black beans for biteable texture. Black bean-brownie spread, done.

Then I spread it on two whole wheat toasts, placed a slice of cheddar cheese on each bread, and finally thin slices of Granny Smith apples for crunch. Meanwhile I mixed together a mixture of almond milk, 2 eggs, vanilla, cinnamon, and salt then dunked the sandwich into the wet mixture to soak up. Then I cooked it up over medium heat until piping hot and and with a rich, head-spinning aroma that I want to capture into my perfume bottle.

Here’s my “final” self home-cooked meal:

French-toast stuffed with black bean-brownie spread, cheddar, and apples with baked pumpkin skin “chips” and iced green tea.

I went drizzled maple syrup all over the sandwich while hot so that it’d soak up all that orgasmic nectar.

Here’s a look cross-section:

What a sandwich! I don’t wanna torture you guys, but I’m sorry, I just have to rave about how uber-delicious this was.

Let me describe just briefly by layers: Crunchy exterior; fluffy, rich, maple-infused bread; bittersweet chocolaty spread; gooey melted sharp cheese; crispy, tangy apples. What. a. freaking. awesome. combination. And you guys contributed to it, so give yourselves a pat on the back!

The pumpkin skin “chips” are just baked pumpkin skins leftover from the pumpkin cake I baked today for my pastor. Not so nutritious, but so very fun to eat! And since the skin is edible, I can’t bear to throw them away. This is just how I recycle them.

Right. I’m eating (and swooning) as I type this, so all this delicious food actually has really uplifted my moods. Not to mention that writing and being candid about my fears makes me feel so much better. Thanks for listening, you guys, though I may be so long-winded at times.

Well, beginning a new week tomorrow…A week of challenging struggles for me, but I hope it’d be an enjoyable week for all of you!

Since we’re on the topic of traveling, here’s today’s food-related question: Where is your dream place to travel food-wise?