Struggles of 2008, Challenges in 2009!

Happy New Year everybody! The ball's probably just dropped as I post this update but here in South-east Asia it's already the afternoon of 1st January, 2009!!

Wow...2009 already. How has time whisked so fast by? Is it just me, or does the year seem to pass by more swiftly each time? Reflecting back to 2008...I'm referring back to my diary, and boy was I messed up. I binged voraciously, puked, obsessed about food, broke the law, had several brouhahas with father, filled up on carcinogenic burnt food, got into several car accidents due to poor blood circulation which led me to fall asleep while driving, tried sticking to rigid diet regimens set by parents, watched TV obsessively, played hooky for church, kept making weight gain goals I could never keep (even with college and trip to SE Asia as motivator), overwhelming guilt and remorse as my grandfather passed away, had a few dizzy spells i.e. brush with death, hit my ultimate lowest weight at 52lbs (23 kg), fell several times and skinned my knees...

I delved deeper into my eating disordered world than ever...There was no one around me, because all of my friends were gone to college, actively living their lives, while I secluded myself at home engrossed in my own ODC thoughts and regimens and interests. My parents were going crazy, and they even made active measures like ransacking my room and confiscating all food, making it mandatory that I eat in their visibility, drawing up specific meal plans, etc. but to no avail. I was forced to "recover" physically but my mind and spirit was still extremely ill.

But God was gracious and faithful in His everlasting love. He sent signs and evidences of His undying and unconditional love. Through my family, my friends, and my brothers and sister in church, He continuously exhorted them to pray for me, to encourage me, to comfort me, to strengthen and support me...I truly don't even dare to imagine where I would be this year 2009 if not for all these angels surrounding me. Probably in another world, if you know what I mean.

That said, I just want to input my own revelations from 2008: DON'T FOCUS ON YOUR OWN PETTY PROBLEMS. Physical beauty is but just a temporary, self-glorifying source of arrogance. DON'T DESPAIR and LOSE HEART as you get absorbed in your own struggles and weaknesses, but turn your focus on what is meaningful, what is significant in your life. Find reasons to give thanks, and you'll discover that actually you are a very blessed person. Don't feel depressed and dejected over your current failures or mistakes, but pick yourself up and continue the battle! Live each day for that day alone, for each day's worries are enough on its own.

Okay, enough preaching, but I just have this burning desire in my heart to share what I learned in 2008 and offer you just a tiny gift of my own for the new year 2009. Keep on trudging and sprinting ahead, everyone, no matter what your current circumstances and problems are! Let's make the year 2009 a year of VICTORY and PROGRESS!!

Alright, on to the good eats of yesterday...The last meals of year 2008! Haha, despite making it sound so grand and significant, I didn't have anything too particularly interesting yesterday, though I did try something different.

Made tuna salad sandwich for lunch today! I don't know why, but I was suddenly really craving sandwiches...but since it was hot, I wanted some sort of cold sandwich...Considered making egg salad, but then decided to try something new and finally decided on making tuna salad~

I just whipped up whatever I thought would be right for a good tuna sandwich...


Mixed together a tin of water-packed tuna, chopped celery and cucumbers, a tiny red onion, plain yogurt, WASABI paste, and salt and pepper and Italian parsley...There was no mustard or anything like that in the house, so I had to make do with wasabi instead. Okay, this picture doesn't look so appetizing, but spread on two pieces of toasted wholemeal bread...


YAY! Looks like a proper deli sandwich to me! Why pay so much when you can easily make one at home? I also added lettuce and tomato into the sandwich, and had some cut-up celery sticks and leftover tomatoes and lettuce on the side...

A close-up of the tuna sandwich...


It was quite good, but honestly not fabulous. I was actually just a tiny bit disappointed, but I think my anticipation and expectation from a simple tuna sandwich was too high?

Then went to meet Liyan for coffee at The Coffee Bean...we sat and chatted for several hours, and then at 7 pm her boyfriend Daniel joined us for dinner. We went to the food court, and despite having had Japanese yesterday, I was still attracted most to the Japanese section of the food court...strange because I never was that interested in Japanese cuisine while in America...

Anyway I wasn't too hungry because dinner was quite earlier than usual, so I just had 2 chawanmushis...

Picture this, except times two, with some soy sauce! Chawanmushi is steamed Japanese egg custard...you can't see it from these pictures, but there were some mushroom, pork, and fish slices hidden in these pale yellow savory pudding...I loved it! They were richly flavored from good stock, and whipped to a creamy smoothness that just glided down my throat...

No carbs, you cry? Wait, I'm not done yet. After dinner we immediately went to church for our New Year Eve service, and on the way I picked up a cheese-filled Mr Bean pancake...


Had that during the service (it's testimonials and laid-back so it was okay to be munching on something; everyone else brought munchies, too!) with a cup of hot tea...


And also a chocolate-and-orange light Alpine bar...It's the first time I was trying this, and it wasn't all that bad...I'd bought a 6-pack box of these. Not sure if I'll get it again when I finish them, since they were a bit on the pricey side...

When I got home it was way too late to fix myself a big bowl of oatmeal, so I just gobbled down several more of those Alpen bars, some milk, some almonds, and some mango and orange, then flopped onto bed! Man, I was pooped and was knocked out the second my face hit the pillow!

Anyway, wishing all of you a happy NEW YEAR again~

Revisiting Okonomiyaki~

Remember when I said I would try okonomiyaki again? Well, who knew it would be so soon? My church small group and I convened at a Japanese restaurant called Waraku in Heeren Square for a dinner of sharing and testimonies. I was quite anxious about this gathering, because we would be having dinner earlier than my usual dinner time, and I'm used to eating rather light for dinner (because my stupid OCD demands that I need to have a large midnight snack or else!)...But I tried to remind myself that this gathering was not about food and I should focus my attention on the great company and conversations we're going to share, not the amount of calories/fat/carbs is in a dish.

I'm not going to lie and say I didn't freak out about the calories at all, but the anxiety was lessened as I really got in tune with the amazing conversations we shared together. Each of us shared our thanksgiving for 2008, and also our prayer topics for 2009. I really got to know and understand each and every one of them better, and marveled at how much God loves us and how He is always working in our lives no matter what our circumstances and problems.

That said, the food was awesome, too! I am totally in love with this restaurant! Why can't Japanese restaurants in America be this cool? There were so many things, not just the usual sushi or sashimi dishes. There were different kinds of ramen, udon, soba, tempura, dons (rice bowls), steamboats, hot sizzling plates, side dishes, salads, curries, even Japanese-style pasta and pizzas!

I didn't want a steamboat, because I knew that was just what ED wanted, something safe and easy to fill up on with all that soup. I don't really care for sushi or sashimi because I can get that anywhere in America. I wasn't really craving noodles. But what caught my eye was a tantalizing picture of okonomiyaki! I just had to get this dish again...And this time it would be a greater challenge because this is a full-size portion, not just an appetizer portion like the one I had at Sakae.

So I ordered the okonomiyaki, but without the sauce (too sweet) or mayo (ED won on this one)...


The really cool thing is that it comes on a sizzling hot plate with a flame underneath to keep it hot!




Check out the insides! It was perfectly crisp and crunchy like chips on the outside, while quite delightfully chewy and gooey on the inside with that creaminess of the egg and the starchiness from the flour and yam...


Also with lots of little bits of shrimps and octopus! How cute!

I was lacking vegetables so I also ordered a gobo salad...


Basically ice-burg lettuce, sliced gobo (some kind of crunchy root vegetable), and sliced almonds...It came drenched in some kind of wasabi-mayonnaise dressing, which worried me for a bit but I just ate it anyway...It was quite good! The hit from the wasabi was right on spot and made my nostrils flare! In a good way, of course.

Oh and I also had a bite out of my friend's baked mayonnaise scallops...


What mayonnaise? It was just a lot of mozarrella cheese on top of sauteed scallops! Quite nice, though...

So ultimately we had a wonderful time, and I received a lot of grace from our meeting... We ended close to 12 am!!! Despite the higher calorific dinner, I still had my huge midnight oatmeal "binge" when I got home. Hee! Just love oats too much.

Oh, and a quick post on my lunch yesterday:



The leftover twice-baked potato, an egg-white omelette with green onions, and OTAH!! That orangey thingy you see there? It actually came like this...


It's this absolutely delicious BBQ concoction I find only in SE Asia...It's fish paste, grinded with some coconut milk and lots of fresh-ground spices, wrapped in banana leaves and grilled over an open flame! So freaking delicious!

So had a minor victory yesterday...It makes me so happy, even though it's just simple baby steps...But as long as I'm headed towards the right direction of recovery, I know things will get better!

Both cooking-disaster and victory in one day

Ah, short post for yesterday's eats, but a long post for today!

For dinner yesterday Wengang's parents invited us out for dinner...I was quite annoyed to be honest because I'd originally planned to make some kind of chicken for dinner and had been anticipating it all day. But part of recovering from ED is to break away from rigid eating plans and patterns, so I succumbed to circumstances and went out with them.

We had sliced fish soup:


I did not enjoy it at all. The soup was okay, but the fish was just dry and bland, and there were hardly any vegetables in the soup at all...I tried to make the whole thing taste better by eating it with LOTS of little red chilies.Whoa! I didn't feel it while eating, but after half an hour my stomach started burning. It was like a little furnace inside my belly!

Oh and reading Jiaying's post reminded me how much I liked peanut pancake, so I had that for my afternoon snack yesterday after church :-)


With a can of light pepsi! Yummerz~ I nuked this thing in the microwave to reheat it a bit, and debated whether to make it classic American by adding some jam with the peanut filling, but then decided I just wanted it as it is.

Okay, I'm really excited to share what I ate today...Because I didn't have any plans for today, I had lots of free time in my hands and did some improvisational cooking!! But first, just to share my pretty fruit bowl I had with breakfast today again:


Love tropical fruits! Dragonfruit, pineapple, pear, papaya, orange~

And then I was busy all morning preparing lunch...I'd bought some purple potatoes a few days earlier, and decided I wanted something different other than just plain baked potato or mashed potatoes. So I finally decided on...TWICE-BAKED POTATOES! I'd never had this before, but I'd seen pictures of it and it had always looked so scrumptious! I looked up online for some recipes, and used them as my guideline to create my own twice-baked potatoes...

I first pierced my purple potatoes with a fork and baked them in the oven at 375 degrees for about an hour until cooked. Here they are fully cooked...


And then I chopped up some shallots and shitake mushrooms...


and I sauteed them in a pan with salt and pepper. Then I sliced of the top part of each potato...


And dug out the potato into a bowl leaving the "shells" of the potatoes, tossed in the cooked shallots and mushrooms...added some fresh green onions...



And then mixed in some plain yogurt, garlic and chives cheese spread, a tiny bit of water, and salt and pepper to taste...


And then spooned the mashed potato mixture into the "shells," placed some American cheese on top, then rebaked them in the oven for about 10 minutes and VOILA~


God I love that purple color, don't you? It smelled so....freaking good! And tasted absolutely marvelous, too! I don't know how twice-baked potatoes are supposed to taste like exactly, but I loved my concoction! The tiny bits of shallots and mushrooms were so fragrant, and there was that tang from the yogurt and cheese...

I also had an omelette (with green onions) and cooked veggies on the side...


Oh and I also just threw in the top parts of the potatoes into the oven to make potato skin "fries" and they really tasted like french fries to me! I enjoyed each and every bite of my lunch, which was not only delicious but healthy and well-balanced. Can't wait to finish the rest of the potatoes the next day!

Although lunch was really filling, I did some shopping at the Singapore expo and by the time I got home I was hot and hungry! So I literally chugged down a can of light pepsi in one big gulp and also had two Mr Bean cheese-filled pancakes...


I really need to try something else for my afternoon snack...But whenever it comes time for my snack, I can only come up with peanut pancake or Mr Bean pancakes. I just like them so much, but I know deep down there is also that ED fear of new foods that's preventing me from venturing out of the familiar foods and trying something new. Ah, but these pancakes are just so tasty and fun to eat!

So come dinnertime I tried to be creative again and decided to just create my own chicken recipe...I'd originally wanted to make some kind of tomato sauce, but discovered the tomatoes in the fridge had gone soft and bad, so tossed them and had to come up with something else. With limited ingredients, I had no choice but to go simple. I rubbed the chicken breast with salt, pepper, and Italian parsley, then poached the chicken in some chicken broth with slices of lime...This was the result:


I cooked some broccoli for the side...


Looks tasty? It sure smelled good...and I sure wish I could say the same for the taste! I'd love to rave about my ingenuity and say how fabulous it turned out, but honestly it was quite horrible. The chicken itself was quite tough and dry, and boy was it SOUR! All I could taste was the lime. I think I put in way too much lime in there.

I just ate half the portion, all the broccoli, and then had some yogurt with chopped apples and cinnamon...


And also a small bowl of fruits: pear, orange, pineapple...


So not a total success with my cooking today, but at least the potatoes came out great! Despite the failure, I think I want to try experimenting with chicken again...Anyone have any good chicken recipes that need minimal ingredients and preparation time?

Well, I'm off to make myself a big ass bowl of durian-flavored oatmeal...Tata~

Eggs all styles

I had quite an eggy day today! I had eggs steamed into a custard, eggs beaten into a flour batter, eggs fried into an omelet, and eggs pressed into tofu!

I had a great day today...Despite stuffing myself last night, I still got hungry for my breakfast! To tell you the truth I'd considered forgoing breakfast with just some fruits and yogurt, but when my stomach started growling I decided, Screw ED, I want a decent breakfast or I'll be giving ED leeway to further restrictions during the day! So I had my usual bowl of oats, fruits, and yogurt...


Just couldn't resist taking a pic of my fruit medley...A feast of colorful fruits: mango, dragonfruit, orange, pear, pineapple, apple...


And also a bowl of yogurt with chopped apples and cinnamon, yum~ This is my absolute favorite combination.

Lunch out with Jingwen at Bugis Junction today! I'd originally planned to eat at the food court, but Jingwen wanted to eat Japanese cuisine, so she took me to this Japanese restaurant called Sakae. This was a really cool restaurant...each table had access to a conveyer belt totting all sorts of different sushi, and also a personal computer to order food!


Looks fun, doesn't it? You just pick out what you want whenever you want...

I'm not much of a sushi fan because I hate rice, so I was glad that there were a lot of other options in the menu as well...and two dishes popped out to me most...The chawanmushi and the okonomiyaki! I'd always wanted to try chawanmushi (Japanese savory egg custard) and okonomiyaki after reading about them in some blogs, but could never find a Japanese restaurant that sold them in America. So these two dishes were on my "to-try" list in Singapore, so I was super glad to see them on the menu!

To tell you the truth, I'd been delaying trying out the okonomiyaki because...it incorporates three of my fear foods: refined flour, oil, full-fat mayonnaise. Okonomiyaki is basically Japanese pizza; it starts with a basic flour and yam batter to which all kinds of ingredients are added, and then pan-fried and topped with a drizzle of mayonnaise. Although I really wanted to order okonomiyaki, I took a long time deciding to finally order it because of this stupid ED fear. But then I told myself, what the hell are you doing? Why are you denying yourself what you want? When else are you going to have the chance to order this dish? When are you going to stop hiding in your comfort zone and try some challenging food for once? Challenge yourself today, or you'll always be giving in to ED!

So that's what I ordered. A chawanmushi and an okonomiyaki...


The chawanmushi was so good, like a savory custard! It came with a piece of shitake mushroom and a few slices of fish cakes, and was so smooth and creamy; it practically glided down my throat in sweet ecstasy...


And boy was I glad I ordered okonomiyaki because this was absolutely fabulous! Crunchy and crispy on the outside, while creamy and hot on the inside with little pieces of octopus and cabbage, topped with bonito flakes and complemented with that perfect tang of rich mayonnaise...I thoroughly enjoyed each and every bite of this perfect, dainty little Japanese pizza...One more fear food conquered, hooray!


AND another challenge...Took a bite from Jingwen's cha soba! Noodles and pasta is still a huge fear food for me, though. I might sample it from a friend's dish, but I doubt I still have the courage to order a whole dish of noodles for myself...But working towards it!

After lunch (which took almost 2 hours because we had a long talk and the waiter forgot our orders), Jingwen and I cruised around Bugis Street, got bored, so walked over to Raffles City and wandered around there. Honestly though, shopping can be quite boring and frustrating for me now because I am way too skinny to be able to buy any clothes that fit...Even the smallest size just hangs on my skeletal frame like a potato sack! I can't wait to gain the weight and actually shop and buy something instead of just staring enviously at the clothes...

On the way home I picked up a packet of jackfruits again, and also munched on some pineapples which I cut up as soon as I got home.

Dinner was omelette and veggies again, but with something else added in for vareity sake...Egg tofu!


Haha, doesn't my dish look like a smiling face, sort of? I marinated the sliced-up egg tofu with soysauce and black pepper, then pan-fried them on the frying pan so that the exterior is charred and crispy while the interior stays soft and creamy...Yum! So good especially dipped in some sweet chili sauce!


For my midnight snack I had 2 servings of steel-cut oats cooked with coffee and cocoa...I only remembered to take a picture of this at the last few remaining bites!


See the individual little pieces of oat groats? Great chewy texture! So wholesome and satisfying! Even though the resulting amount when cooked seems less than the oatmeal cooked with rolled oats, it took me longer to finish this bowl! Less refined, more substance, more satisfaction!

Really happy that I managed to try something new today, and am looking forward to trying that awesome okonomiyaki again someday!

Oh my oats!

Went to Vivocity with my friendyesterday! YEA! Vivocity is one of the largest and newest mall in Singapore, and it is located right across Sentosa, and has a great view on the top floor...That being said, I have to admit that the real reason I wanted to go to Vivocity was because Jiaying from Brownbread-girl told me I could get steel-cut oats at a supermarket called Naturally Marketplace there! I've been getting quite low on the supply of my Whole Foods steel-cut oats I brought all the way from America, and have been searching high and low throughout all the supermarkets in Singapore for these oats, but all they seem to sell are instant and quick-cooking types! BOOOO!! I like my oats as least refined as possible...What about you? Creamy vs. crunch when it comes to oats? I'll take crunch any day.

That said, this is what I found to my delight in Naturally Marketplace!


Bob's Red Mill organic steel-cut oats! Thanks, Jiaying, for the tip! Actually it's so much more expensive than what I'd pay for in America, but money is no matter so long as I satisfy my oat fix. God, I sound like an oat druggie addict.

By the way, just wanted to also share this great brand of rolled oats I found in NTUC...


This was about the only old-fashioned oats I could find, and boy do I love it! It is much less refined than Quackers, because it takes a longer time to cook and the result is a gorgeous nutty bite and crunch that I absolutely love! I much prefer this brand to Quackers!


Check out the whole grains in the oatmeal cooked from these oats! Love love love it~

Lunch was again quite the usual...


Cooked spinach, omelette with 1 whole egg, 2 egg whites, onions and cheese, and a slice of PB and J toast!


I never seem to tire from this omelette...Sorry for the repetitious eating, but eggs and dairy are my main source for protein because I'm not much of a meat eater. The PB & J was delicious...The classic American sandwich; whoever first invented this combination is pure genius~

I didn't really get the chance to pick up an afternoon snack as I was pretty busy (window) shopping with Angeline, so I was mighty glad I packed a package of jackfruits with me on the way...


Yum! It's been so long since I had jackfruit...It has a sweet honey fragrance, and is extremely cooling and sweet...The texture is rubbery and silky at the same time...Ah, can't explain it, but you've got to try it out for yourself!

We had a very early dinner around 6:15 pm because Angeline was hungry...I was sort of hungry too because of the lack of a substantial afternoon snack, so we headed to the food court. We circled the area twice wondering what to eat...and I'm embarrassed to say I got WANTON SOUP again!


Okay, I swear that I seriously considered getting something else...I wanted to get the sliced fish soup at first, but then Angeline said the fish looked anorexic, and then I looked elsewhere and the words FRESH SHRIMP DUMPLINGS caught my eye like a neon signboard in an empty dark street...How could I resist? I was glad I got the wanton soup, though, because the wantons really did taste fresh...


Check out the whole shrimp inside each precious dumpling! These dumplings were huge, and there was also some kind of minced pork paste together with the pink shrimp...The soup was also quite flavorful...I enjoyed each dumpling with a liberal amount of chili...Heh.

Now on to the best course of the day...Guess what I picked up on my way home? What is pungent and stinky to others, but orgasmically delightful to me? What is spiky and hideous on the outside but rich, pale and creamy on the inside? If you guessed durians, give yourself a round of applause!!


I bought 3 whole packets of these! Buy 2 get 1 free, so how could I resist? I inhaled two of the packets and brought the remainding home (I stunk up the train quite badly in the process), which was devoured by Wengang and Liwen (my hosts). Then at night I also ate 2 servings of oatmeal and also a disgusting amount of almonds and cashews. I think I just overdid myself today. My stomach is in some kind of shock. But durian makes it all worth it...muahahaha~